Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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