I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
