sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
