i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
