This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
