this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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