I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
