i just wanna soil my oats bro
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
