I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
