I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
