If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
