shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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