he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
