I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
