I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
