Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
