Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
