he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
