my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
