sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
