It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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