You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Actions speak louder than pants.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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