We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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