Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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