I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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