I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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