our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
