Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
