this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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