omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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