I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
