My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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