ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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