I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
