What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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