I feel like I'm in dance class right now
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
