I am in a vortex of obligation.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
