You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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