girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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