duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
