the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
