i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
