I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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