you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
BRING THE BAGELS
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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