He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
