he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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