i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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