drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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