No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
