This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
