I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
