wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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