KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
